If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
