If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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