make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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