Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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