I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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