The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
pray to the hookup gods
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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