I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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