if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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