Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We're not piercing ourselves today.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
