I accidentally burped into my bong.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
