I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
