Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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