Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
