Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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