I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
