I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize