I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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