You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize