I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize