You can't special order awesome
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
