A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My dick has a subreddit
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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