Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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