there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How does one acquire holy water?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
