Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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