I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
