i just sent this text using only my big toe
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize