my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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