The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
