Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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