I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
