this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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