We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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