hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
