Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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