Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
