Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
