Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
