I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
PANTIES FOUND
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