So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
