i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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