She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
