I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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