Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
