Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
