i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize