i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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