Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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