I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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