Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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