how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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