Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
