he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
