I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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