she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
