just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
