sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
this boner is exhausting
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
