and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
