maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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