We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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