dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
