i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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