drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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