They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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